Unearth the Past: A family history & genealogy podcast

S2: Ep7: The Journey to Find Ian's Birth Parents

• Dr Michala Hulme • Season 2 • Episode 7

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When my friend Ian first told me about his quest to discover his birth parents, it struck a chord within me. As we sat down to record this episode, I knew we were about to embark on a narrative that would resonate with many. Ian's story unfolds from a childhood filled with unanswered questions. He candidly recounts the moment at twelve years old when he stumbled upon his adoption papers, setting in motion a lifelong journey of self-discovery that would challenge and fulfil him in ways he never anticipated.

The narrative reaches its climax as Ian details his hesitant yet hopeful outreach to biological relatives. The complex tapestry of emotions faced by adoptees surfaces, from the fear of rejection to the elation of connection, as Ian traverses the highs and lows of these encounters. His story culminates in the profound discovery of a half-sister, a serendipitous finding that brings unexpected joy and a sense of completeness to his journey. Ian's experience, shared with raw honesty and reflective insight, offers listeners a glimpse into the transformative power of uncovering one's origins and the indelible impact it has on an individual's life story.

To watch the podcast on YouTube click here!

To contact Michala, you can do so via her website, www.michalahulme.com
If you would like to reach out to Ian, you can do so via, www.ianroyle.com
A huge thank you to this week's sponsor, Witney Antiques

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Speaker 1:

This week's podcast is sponsored by Whitney Antiques, an antique shop in the heart of Oxfordshire specialising in historic needlework. If you'd like to know more about Whitney Antiques, check out their website at wwwwitneyantiquescom. Hello and welcome back to Unearth the Past, a family history and genealogy podcast brought to you by me, dr Micaela Heaton. So today we are doing something a little bit different. I've actually got my mates joining me today, the lovely Ian. I've known Ian well. I've known your wife actually, sherry, for I don't know, maybe 20 odd years or something, yeah, a long time.

Speaker 1:

And many moons ago, which we're going to go through in a minute, sherry came to me and said can you help Ian trace his birth parents? So today we're going to talk a bit about that process, a bit about how we did it and hopefully, because we've had such an amazing reaction to the Matty White episode of the podcast and if you haven't seen it, by the way, I'll put the link in the description below but hopefully what we talk about today will help anybody out there who is also looking to trace their birth parent. If you are on this journey, please get in touch with me and let me know how you're getting on. You can do so via my website, which is wwwmicaelaheatoncom. So let's get started. Ian, thank you so much for joining me on these rather lovely chairs. You're welcome.

Speaker 1:

To talk about family history and genealogy. So can we go right back to the beginning then? Yeah, so when did you find out you were adopted?

Speaker 3:

About when I was 12, 11 or 12. As the usual thing that kids do, they're rooting around the house and there was a cupboard at the top of the stairs and I was looking through that and in the corner was a alligator skin box and I thought that looked interesting. Yeah, yeah, just waiting there.

Speaker 3:

And it was just full of papers, of various things, and amongst it were these papers to do with adoption. And I found two sets for a boy and a girl, and I was looking at them and obviously didn't recognize either of the names on them and it suddenly twigged what they were and who they related to. And that's it. That's how I found out that I was adopted.

Speaker 1:

And did you have any idea then? Before that point, was there any sort of inkling, did you feel you were different, or yeah, I've got to admit I felt that I was different from my parents.

Speaker 3:

I don't know how and I don't know why, because it was a long time ago now, but I just had that sense that I was different from both of them and different from my sister, right, so it sort of made sense.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and when you found out, what did you do then? Did you go and tell them that you knew your parents, or did you keep it to yourself?

Speaker 3:

Well, a rough guess. That was sort of 45 years ago. My parents have never actually come out and told me officially.

Speaker 1:

I was adopted Never.

Speaker 3:

So they know that, I know, and they've talked about it, but they never actually came out and when I found out I didn't really know what to do with it. I was 12.

Speaker 1:

I was going to say how did you process that?

Speaker 3:

I don't think I did Right. Yeah, it sort of made sense, but it wasn't something I was then at that time capable of working out and moving forward with. So, although it shed a lot of light on things and weirdly enough, I was in a class at school with two or three other people that were adopted Right, and it came up as a subject in an English lesson and once we'd all sort of admitted that we were adopted, it sort of gave you a sense of belonging with these people. Yeah, but now, other than that, I didn't deal with it, I don't think. I think I just probably shelved it.

Speaker 1:

Did it growing up? Did it change the relationship you had with your mum and dad?

Speaker 3:

I think I probably just got on with it and it was weird. Probably the reason why I thought I was different was because of the relationship that I had with my parents, so that led me to think that I might be different, and then this just rubber stamped it. Yeah, so it was just a case of business as usual. You know, there was no, there was no change, because I was always different from them and I felt that that relationship was was I don't know odd. Yeah, so it carried on being odd.

Speaker 1:

So let's fast forward in time. Yeah, 2016, ish. Yeah. Me and Shari worked out when we had our chat last night was when you decided or I think Shari reached out and decided we were going to look into into your family tree and try and locate who your both parents were. I don't think it was the case at the time of you know you had any ambition to sort of meet them. I think it was just a case of.

Speaker 3:

It was just what you to know it was finding out. I mean, I suppose throughout my adult life it kept bringing its its head every so often and it was always a bit of a. I always had a smile whenever I if I went to the doctors or something like that, and they said, you know, there's always the question is, have you got a family history of X, y or Z? And I just sort of smiled because I was like I haven't got a clue.

Speaker 3:

You know whether there was a family history of X, y or Z. So to an extent I suppose I wanted to find out a little bit more about that, you know, and where I came from, who they were, because when you're very different for me anyway, when I when I realized how different I was from my parents, it sort of made me want to find out who my birth parents were and to explain the difference. That's probably it, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Was it more like personality wise, that you felt different from your parents? Or was it a looks thing? Because I knew, when I've spoke to some people who've contacted me to sort of look into, you know, find unknown parentsage a lot of them have said to me I just felt like I didn't look, I didn't know who I looked like. I didn't look like anything else.

Speaker 3:

Now that again very odd, because my dad had a shop and people used to come into it and I used to spend time in there growing up and on more than one occasion people said that I actually looked like my dad. Obviously, they didn't know. I don't think I did and certainly in retrospect, looking older pictures of him, there's no way that I did Right. So there was never some huge you know, you know physical difference between them. So it was all about personality, you know. It was all working out why I'd grown up in their care but was so different from them as a person. So yeah, it was more about personality.

Speaker 1:

Now, when we talk about your adoptive parenting and being adopted, and even in the conversations we've had over, however many years, you are very pragmatic about it. Yeah, you're very pragmatic about it. Do you think that's because you found out when you were young, when you were just sort of 12 years old? Do you think that would have been different had you found out I don't know, maybe when you were in your 20s or your 30s?

Speaker 3:

I think the reason I was pragmatic about it was because I was aware that I was different. I used to sort all my own problems out in my head as much as you can when you're a child, because obviously you're limited. But I definitely used to process everything and sort things out in isolation. So when I found out that I was adopted, that just put the bow on the top of it as far as I was concerned. So the self-reliant pragmatism just kicked into overdrive really and I spent my entire teenage and adult years very much in my own head, sort my own problems out and doing my own thing, because at that point, emotionally I probably wasn't developed into a full adult at that point in time. So it was the only way that I could deal with it and work it out.

Speaker 1:

So let's get to 2016 then, Shari reached out to me and said we're thinking about doing this. Can you offer some advice? Now, the problem we had in terms of documentary evidence, which is what you had we had your adoption papers, didn't we? And it did have a name your biological mom and your biological dad, and we did have an address, but the surnames were, let's just say, popular surnames. They weren't unusual. No.

Speaker 1:

And the reason that we're actually not going to mention them on this podcast, which we'll speak about later on, is because we know that on your biological father's side there is potentially a half sibling out there who may not know about this. So, that's why we're not going to mention the names on this podcast. So we had these names and we had an address in Manchester, in Withington Way, I think it was, wasn't it at the time? They were very popular.

Speaker 1:

So I went on and did a quite broad search to see if I could identify the families, but due to the popularity of the surnames, there's quite a few families that we could have placed you in. So I then recommended to go to the library and have a look at the electoral registers which you did.

Speaker 3:

I did yes.

Speaker 1:

To talk to me about that.

Speaker 3:

Obviously a completely new experience to me, but I went down to Central Library because I had the two addresses, so there was a starting point and I knew when I was born. So there was another bit of it. So I sort of probably the accountant in me. I started out at my birth year and then went forwards and backwards year by year and my father's side was a little initially a little more forthcoming in the fact that there were people at that address with that surname.

Speaker 3:

Yeah so it was sort of a bit of a bingo. However, moving backwards and forwards in time, there's never any mention of of his name at this address, so that sort of became a little bit of a dead end.

Speaker 1:

And just interject slightly as well. If you are such the electric in the period that we were looking 1960s, wasn't it? You can only search by address and they're all microfilm. Yeah, yeah so you've got to figure that out to start with, which is you know?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that was. I mean, I was lucky because I had the addresses, so that that was a good start for me. And initially the hardest one was on my mother's side at the address that was given there was nobody of that surname ever you know going forwards or backwards. So I walked away from central library thinking, great, you know, it's complete dead end. So I didn't have a clue where to go from there.

Speaker 1:

No, so I think that's where I came in. So I came in then, so we decided so. When we looked at your dad's side on the electoral register, there were people with that surname, as you rightly said, that address. The problem is on the electoral register you don't get the first name, so you don't get the christian. No, it's just an initial and because of how popular the surname was, I really couldn't grab anything on that side of the tree and run with it, apart from this address in the 60s and we even looked at phone books, remember yeah we went on the phone book the BC phone book archive here in the UK and we couldn't.

Speaker 1:

We just had a dead end. So we decided then we were going to focus all our energy on your mom's side. Now, your mom's side, we just relied on paper records. We didn't use DNA, and it's worth pointing that out because in 2016, when we were looking, I hadn't really used DNA in any of my research at that point. So so we just relied on the paper records and and that's kind of what I think I grabbed onto those names and I knew where they'd lived. I knew that they lived in withington, an area of Manchester, and if I'm right by saying and I might be wrong here, but because it was a while ago that the names, that the address that we had didn't correspond with the surname of your biological mother, but were, in fact, relatives, yes yes, so when I started plotting this very sort of broad family tree based on the names that were living at the address, I did manage to find that they were a relation of your birth mother not an immediate relation, but they were a relation.

Speaker 1:

I then managed to use electoral registers in the present to identify what would be a potential aunt yeah, great aunt for you and great uncle. And then I managed to track them down to an address in Stockport and then we reached out. Yes to that.

Speaker 1:

When I came to you and I sort of said because I'm laughing, because I can remember sherry's reaction when I said I think I found somebody who's a close relative on Ian's mum's side and I I know that I have gone through that rather quickly Can I just say this did take months. By the way, this building of the family tree did not happen overnight. When I came and I said I think I found a relative on your, on your side, on your, on your biological mom, yeah. How was that for you?

Speaker 3:

Odd, it's just a complete surprise, because all of a sudden, your your your place in the world and your reference points become different, because you grow up with, with people who've decided to take you and and care for you and and and look after you, and, and that's your family. And then, all of a sudden, knowing that they're not blood, you know, then, all of a sudden you're thrown into this, this place where there are names and I knew the names for a long time, but but then when you came and you'd found these people, it, it was like you know, oh holy, this is this family here, there's people here and it just throws you. It throws you completely. It's the only way I can describe it. It's it's, it's like you suddenly in a whole new world.

Speaker 1:

When Sherry reached out to your great aunt and uncle, was there a fear there of maybe being rejected or worried that they're going to go? Oh, it's all right, because I mentioned people. That must be a genuine fear for people who have been adopted, but maybe that's the reason why some people don't want to reach out. Yeah because they're worried about that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I can't speak for everybody who's been adopted, but, yeah, for me, yes, definitely there was. As soon as you become sort of adult and and you can then process what, what's actually gone on in more detail, you realize that there's this process of rejection for whatever reason. You know it could be completely valid reasons, but for whatever reason you were, you were given away, and that's difficult to compute as as to why. So you know, when you then faced with people that are connected to you, there's always that, oh my God, is it gonna be another case of rejection, is it gonna be the same thing? So there's always that fear with that, yeah, always.

Speaker 1:

So Shari reached out, and they rightly so, I think were quite, maybe apprehensive a bit guarded at first, weren't? They. But then they contacted another family member who actually remembered your biological mom being pregnant, remembered you being born and your mom giving you up for adoption. So that was when the story of how you came into the world was confirmed.

Speaker 3:

The great and great uncle I met and they filled in some of the blanks and told me more about what was going on. But obviously, because they were a great and great uncle and I believe at the time they were not in the country when I was born, they gave me some details.

Speaker 1:

So we had identified your great aunt and uncle and they had confirmed the story, and then you reached out. Then, once we sort of we identified who your biological mother was, you reached out to your biological mother through letter. Yes, and that's how you made your, that's how we made first contact wasn't with your biological mother through a letter.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, literally wrote a letter to her.

Speaker 1:

And how? What do you put in that letter?

Speaker 3:

Well, again, probably the accountant in me I kept it reasonably factual and I explained who I was, I explained briefly how I'd come to find out about her and find the details, and literally no more than that, because I thought, you know, this is presumably gonna come as a complete nut of shock to her that I'm in contact, although I do believe the aunt, who'd confirmed what had happened, had actually been in contact with her and explained that she'd been in contact. I don't think she was expecting to hear from me via in any form. So yeah, so I just kept it brief.

Speaker 1:

Wow, and you got a response.

Speaker 3:

I did get a written response.

Speaker 1:

yes, and I've read the letter. And I think it's fair to say that the response was answered. Maybe a few questions, but she was very clear in the letter that that was the only letter you were gonna receive. And how was that?

Speaker 3:

I don't know. I do know it's fairly devastating. I was gonna say, although I didn't actually want anything, it's sort of, you know, rejection to the return, isn't it? It's the same thing over again. So, yeah, it was pretty devastating to go through that, however, because I wasn't expecting anything from it. I wasn't looking for, you know, a new family or anything like that, but I did expect something, but no, there wasn't anything.

Speaker 1:

I read that letter last night because Sharon sent it to me and I had mixed emotions at the beginning it was very sort of cold and very matter of fact, wasn't? It yes, yeah. And then it kind of warms up a bit in the middle. You know asking, you know. I'd be all right.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, I read that and I was. I was choked up last night. I don't know if it's because I'm your mate, but what we do know about your birth mother was that you have a half sister. Yes, yeah. So when you received the response, how did you react to that? Or did you not to your birth mother? Did you just kind of leave that there?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, basically it was her request that I just let it lie.

Speaker 1:

So I did yeah.

Speaker 3:

You know, out of respect, so I just let it go.

Speaker 1:

And then there is a happy ending to this story, isn't there? A very nice happy ending. So somewhere in the country you have a half sister. Yeah. And this is a couple of years later. Your half sister, your biological mum at this point is in home because she is unwell, and your half sister is going through the house and is trying to log on to a computer. Yeah, and the computer prompt for the password is putting the name of your oldest child. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And she's putting her name in and it keeps firing an error message back.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Do you want to carry on the story?

Speaker 3:

Well, yeah, shortly obviously after that had happened, I got a phone call from my great aunt's daughter saying that she'd been in touch with her, you know, asking why this was the case, and she explained to my half sister what had gone on and then gave her my contact details, at which point I then got a phone call from my half sister for the first time in 51 years.

Speaker 3:

So it was very, very bizarre. It was really odd. We were on the phone for hours and again, I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't looking for extended family, but we just started talking and talking, and talking and I think as the conversation wore on, we suddenly started to realize that our personalities, even though we didn't know each other, we were very, very similar and from then we spoke some more and then we ended up phoning each other sort of every week, and then a couple of months after that they came up to see us and we met her and her husband and since then we had WhatsApp, probably four, probably four, five times a week. We speak at least two, three times a week and we go up and down to see each other. It's weird.

Speaker 3:

It's a sister, it's a half sister, and I say I'm not looking for one, but because we're so similar and we get on, it's just grown into what it is now, which is quite. It's wonderful. It's quite wonderful and I can't. She said to me that she wished I was around years ago, which is sort of slightly heartbreaking, but it's just nice that she's there now and part of my life and I'm part of hers.

Speaker 1:

With your half sister. I know you said that personality wise you are very similar, but you'd never felt that way, did you with your birth parents. Like you said, it wasn't about that. You looked different to them it was that you were different, yeah, different, as a person.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so suddenly, I mean, the chances are you can bump into anybody and be similar to them. She did for her work. She had to do a psychometric test and the result of which came out with this particular type of person and only 2% of the population this type of person. She sent me the test and I came out with exactly the same result as she did, so we're very similar. There's sort of the nature bit of nature and nurture. There's obviously a strong correlation there and we are. We do have. We just get on because we're very similar to each other.

Speaker 3:

I think, and that's quite remarkable to think that we've not known each other all our lives effectively up until this point, and it's definitely. It's brilliant, it's a wonderful thing and I'm so pleased that we did it. And that bit just happened through the password going missing, so that you know that I don't know how to describe it other than that it's just amazing to find that out and it helps complete the picture a little bit, as well as to where I come from, because obviously she's got a lot more detail about my birth mother that other people didn't have.

Speaker 1:

So we've spoke about your mum's side, your biological mother's side. Now let's go onto your biological father's side. Yeah. So we were researching, or we started researching, your biological mum's side in about 2016. Yeah. I knew straight away, by looking at your biological father's side, this was going to be difficult, just due to the popularity. Yeah. Of the surname. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And also that his Christian name is a very common name as well, so we knew that was going to be different. Obviously, we don't want to knock on the wrong door, you know, or reach out to the wrong person, yeah, so I was very cautious and careful that we took time over this and we did take time over this. So we started tentatively looking I think around the time we started looking for your birth mum. Yeah. Then I encouraged you. I think it's take an ancestry DNA test. You did yes.

Speaker 1:

Which you did, and this was a couple of years later, which was funny, really, because we'd spent all that time using the paper records trying to find your mum's side, and your half sister had also taken an ancestry DNA test. Yeah. And had we have gone down that route earlier, we probably would have found that relationship quicker. But it's one of those things. So you take the ancestry DNA test and what we were looking for on the DNA test was your cousin matches. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So we were hoping that you would have cousin matches close enough to your biological dad. You know, best case scenario would be a half sibling, you know. But we just didn't have them, did we? I don't think at that time. No.

Speaker 1:

So the process for anybody who's not done this before you take a DNA test, your cousin matches come back and then what you are looking for in your cousin matches you are actually looking for a common ancestor. So Ian has a list of cousin matches that there might be a second cousin or third cousin. But you kind of want to know how those cousin matches are related to each other and you're looking for this common ancestor and we were looking for the common ancestor on your dad's line and there was just nothing. For years really, everybody was really distant.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, they were, and even though we had a name, there was nothing that was really pinpointing who it was.

Speaker 1:

Then we left it for a few years and then we came back to it and, lo and behold, we had closer cousin matches, more people had taken tests and we had a closer cousin match. And then I worked out again, starting building the family trees of these cousin matches to see, potentially, if your biological father appeared in any of those. And he did appear in one of those family trees, and this was of a cousin of yours who is absolutely lovely. I've still got her on Facebook. She's fantastic and she filled us in on your dad's side. But more than that, she gave us a picture, a couple of pictures of your biological father. And let me tell you, folks, ian did not need to take a DNA test because you are the image in a couple of those photographs, especially when he's laughing of your biological father. So how was that to see a picture of somebody, to see a picture of your biological dad, I suppose, to start with, and hear the information of his upbringing.

Speaker 3:

It was interesting to hear the stories because they really resonated with me in terms of who he was as a person and his personality and similarities to my own. So looking at the pictures was weird, because it was pictures of some bloke from the 1960s it. I didn't see a resemblance, although other people have.

Speaker 1:

Honestly, they are identical folks. Let me tell you, they are identical. But yeah, the personality side of it was really really really useful to explain why I am like I am, I suppose Now, unfortunately, your biological father has passed away, but we do know that somewhere out there, maybe not too far away from the studio in Manchester, you have a half brother. Is that something that maybe you want to explore? Maybe try and find him or learn more about him?

Speaker 3:

Definitely it's not something I could not do. I think not for any other reason other than to, you know, to put more color on the picture. But yeah, I definitely want to.

Speaker 1:

So now we're at a point where you know an awful lot about your biological mum side. Yep, we know quite a bit about your biological dad side. How does that make you feel now, knowing, I suppose, who brought you into the world? Who brought you into the world?

Speaker 3:

More complete. It's the only way I can describe it, because when you're growing up and again me just my personal experience when you're growing up and you're adopted and you find out you're adopted but you also know somewhere deep inside you that you're very different from the people that are raising you. You want answers as to why. So going through this process has been very cathartic, because I've come out of it obviously still not out of it, but you know I've come this far and it makes me feel more confident and more complete about who I am and why I am like I am. So it's incredible.

Speaker 1:

And, as we've mentioned, it's not been an easy path, has it? If there's been ups getting that letter from your biological comes a definite down Meeting your half sister, who is incredible. You have a great relationship with connecting with your dad side of the family which has been great, but there has been ups and downs, hasn't there in this?

Speaker 3:

process.

Speaker 1:

Are you glad you did it?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely, absolutely. And I don't know. I know how I feel now and I don't, and I know how I felt beforehand and I can't think there would be any circumstances, regardless of the down points, why I would not do it again. And I wish the internet had been invented earlier so we could have done a lot of it a lot earlier, because it would have made a huge difference to my life. So, yeah, it's incredible.

Speaker 1:

Ian, thank you so much for jumping on the podcast today. I really appreciate it. It would have been great if it had had Sherry here, but unfortunately she couldn't make it today because she was working. But she was initially I think it's fair to say the driving force behind this Driving force.

Speaker 3:

We had a lot of things, yeah behind this.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, so, which is incredible, but thank you so much.

Speaker 3:

You're welcome.

Speaker 1:

So that is it, folks, for this week's episode. I really hope you enjoyed my chat with Ian and thank you so much, ian again, for coming on the podcast. A huge thanks, as always, to my sponsor for this episode, which is Whitney Antiques, and also thank you to you for listening. Thank you to all your messages. I thoroughly enjoy reading them, so keep sending them in and don't forget if you like this podcast, please remember to download, and if you're watching it on YouTube, please remember to like and subscribe. Have a great week researching. I am back next week with a new episode. I'm actually recording two episodes next week, so very exciting episodes that you will be able to hear and watch in the near future. Thank you so much, everybody. Have a great week.